Squires of Deez Nuts
Squires of Deez Nuts
Each member of Deez Nuts was assigned a squire by their faction in Session 52 — level-1 retainers intended to staff and run Nuts Deep rather than adventure with the party ("we're not just going to have a party of 12 or 13 characters. That'll be ridiculous."). They got their baptism of fire far sooner than planned: the Battle of Nuts Deep (Session 53) put every one of them on the walls against a Cult of the Dragon undead assault. Three went down; one died and was revived. All survived the day, and all are now level 2.
By default the squires are parked at Nuts Deep, executing the bastion's work — hiring, restoring, crafting support — and each is the starting helper for their PC's chosen facility.
The roster
| Squire | PC | Faction / origin | What we know |
|---|---|---|---|
| Will ("Whippoorwill") | Gootcha | Harpers, placed out of Baldur's Gate | A warlock — casts Eldritch Blast (10 damage into the S53 dragonborn) and Armor of Agathys. Hard first day: downed by a wyrmling's 28-damage lightning breath, potion-revived by Gootcha, downed again by the necromancer's negative-energy sphere. Gootcha's advice after his lucky first hit: "Don't try to be a hero." |
| Henrietta | Shade | Zhentarim, from the Baldur's Gate gates | Human — Shade's deliberate pick ("reparations"). Downed by the necromancer's negative-energy sphere in S53; recovered after the battle. |
| Spurt the Kobold | Keyleth | Emerald Enclave (wilds cell) | An auto-generated name Keyleth refuses to change. A little caster — his 5-damage magic missile made the S53 necromancer stop and stare ("Are you serious?"). Killed by the negative-energy sphere (7 max HP), and revived after the battle by Keyleth's Cure Wounds — after she briefly forgot he was dead ("I've been stepping over him" — Xanphina). |
| Diana | Karma | Emerald Enclave (wilds cell) | Steady under fire: shoved off the 15-foot inner tower by a skeleton archer in S53 (8 falling damage), got up, ran to back up Carl ("Carl, I'm your backup"), and threw daggers at the necromancer from the tower top. |
| V | Xanphina | Order of the Gauntlet, Elturel guildhouse | A gnome artificer' — knows Cure Wounds, Tasha's Caustic Brew, Catapult, Sanctuary, plus Mending and Prestidigitation — who inexplicably carries a pistol ("I didn't make this character!" — Amber; "She stays strapped" — Baelgrum). The DM has ruled the firearm will be swapped out (no firearms at this table). In S53 her low center of gravity beat a shove attempt cold, and her Cure Wounds put 11 HP back into Carl. Xanphina has not yet formally met her in-fiction; her background is Amber's to invent. |
| Rogar ("Ro-Ro") | Baelgrum | Elturel's light-temples | A dragonborn paladin with a shield — and, the Dawnbringers' Banneret sensed, a genuine follower of Lathander. In S53 he bodyguarded Karma (+2 AC as a physical blocker), cast Sanctuary on her, and his breath weapon finished a skeleton soldier. Joining the Dawnbringers alongside Baelgrum — it was Baelgrum's one condition of membership. Baelgrum reserves the right to demote him back to "Ro" depending on performance; after S53, "Rogar" stands. |
Mechanics
- Squires roll their own initiative and act on a shared default count; their players direct them loosely in combat.
- They are level 2 as of S53 (leveled after the battle — "they'll at least get more hit points so they hang around longer next time"). They will stay low-level for a while.
- They do not make death saves on-screen: a downed squire is down until someone brings them up.
Appearances
- Session 52 - Nuts Deep and the Turnip Wagon Ambush (2026-07-12) — assigned
- Session 53 - The Battle of Nuts Deep (2026-08-09) — first battle; leveled to 2